Ep.42 Rewriting Your Legacy with Kathleen McDermott

After recognizing how her own familial traumas were impacting her every day life, Kathleen made it her mission to empower women to and break the generational & societal curses and rewrite their legacy.

Kathleen McDermott is serving up all the ways for you to design your legacy as a Stress & Lifestyle Coach, a Restorative & Adaptive Yoga guide and speaker & host of the Your Life Your Way Podcast.    

Tune into this episode to hear more about:

1. Living your own life on your terms
2. The gift in taking personal responsibility 
3. Reflecting and learning from your time on the mat

Go here for full show notes and links!

Resources:  Want to know 7 things you can do today to make leaving corporate easier?  Grab it here!

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Transcript

Kathleen McDermott: 0:00

because we are all different, just as if you look at a skeleton of multiple skeletons and you look at all their hip bones, you know, they're all going to be a little bit different in yoga poses, because their bones are just different. Well, same with our journey we are all different. We are all experiencing the life in our own way. And a lot of times sadly, we're experiencing life through the light to the foods that were that was a subconscious flower, universal mistake, Freudian, Freudian slip vessel, but living the lies that we have been told and led to believe of how we should live our life and how we should lead.

Jamie Stephens: 0:38

Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Breaking up with corporate each week I chat with everyday women that ditch their nine to five to bet on themselves. We break down their journey into entrepreneurship, unpack the lessons learned and create the vision of how this life gets to be if you're willing to get uncomfortable and step into your potential. I'm your host, Jamie Renee, to time corporate escapee and coach to burnout women looking to plan their escape. Let's go. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Breaking up with corporate today I have Kathleen McDermott. And Kathleen is a stress and lifestyle management coach, a restorative and adaptive yoga guide, a speaker and fellow podcaster, who is passionate about helping women build a legacy. Kathleen, welcome to the show.

Kathleen McDermott: 1:30

Thank you, Jamie, I'm very happy to be here and very thrilled and honored that you invited me.

Jamie Stephens: 1:34

Yeah, I'm excited for you to be here too. I know that you have been out of corporate for a while. But you've had an interesting journey that I want to get into today. So if you want to start by just giving us a little bit of background of kind of what you were doing before you became a lifestyle and stress management coach,

Kathleen McDermott: 1:55

but I am what you would call a multi passionate person. And I've never been one who has felt that I could be in a corporate position for like my dad was he retired, he was there for 3040 years. And I just never felt me. So I have dipped my toe into many things through the years. And I wanted to say most of it has been sales of some kind. But I never felt fulfilled. And probably one of the well then I was very blessed to have twin sons. And that changed. Of course, I stopped working for a while because I was a wreck every day going to work. I was a wreck. So I stayed home with the boys for a while and then ultimately wanted to do something that fit their schedule. And I actually became a school bus driver for a few years actually, for 10 years. I did not have that. Oh, that was that was fulfilling. It was difficult work. It was very hard. There's days I wanted to bang my head against the window. But it some days others. But I loved it. I loved my middle high kids. They were awesome. And most of my little ones were but it was just I look at that as it was part of my journey. Because when my boys were about three years old, I started practicing yoga. And I just fell in love with how that made me feel. Yeah, so as both kind of progressed together. And I began to do my own tank training of becoming a yoga teacher, but I wanted to do it differently. I see everybody is just being who they are. And everybody has been gifted with this life. And we don't live it based on our own terms. Too many of us don't live it on our own terms and just kind of all flow together and taking that experience of of sales, which I respect and love. And people say well, you're still doing sales, and I am but it's in a different way. It's for me it's total service. And if I can have a conversation with someone and at least give them something to take away. Yeah, then then I'm happy. But I take it all as being the path that brought me to where I am today. Every bit of it.

Jamie Stephens: 4:10

Yeah, I've had kind of a multi passionate journey myself. So I can totally relate to all the different things that seem like totally unrelated, like how they kind of intertwine and weave into your story in your journey and just kind of add to that richness of what you bring to the table. So

Kathleen McDermott: 4:29

that's a beautiful word richness. I like that.

Jamie Stephens: 4:31

Yeah, it's I mean, it just implies that it's like you're, it's just more it's just more into what you enjoy and what you like, you know, just kind of following those pieces where they go and I just love it.

Kathleen McDermott: 4:46

But I will add you find out what your deadline is? For sure for sure.

Jamie Stephens: 4:50

You know, it's very good at I know what I don't want more so than I know what I want sometimes. So it's really easy to help make those decisions where you go into it and you're like Oh yeah, we'll give this a try. And you're like, oh, no, no moving on. So tell me a little bit about your, your yoga journey. So you started whenever your boys were three. And so they are grown adults, they have one of them has a baby of their own. Yeah, you know, you've been doing that a long time. So how did you get into that? I mean, you said, it's for adaptive, like, tell me kind of your journey on that.

Kathleen McDermott: 5:30

I wanted to teach, I had been taking my own classes and having my own practice. And I hear so often, and you probably have as well, maybe you've said it yourself, Oh, I can't do yoga. And I kept hearing that I kept hearing people say it. And I can remember being in certain classes with certain instructors that would try to put me into where they thought I should be. And it's called assists. And they can be very dangerous, to try to force someone into physically into a position that is not right for them. So I wanted to teach differently, I want to learn differently. So I learned to teach adaptively, which means to use whatever, it could be a chair, it could be a bolster, a block a strap, it could be a wall, it could be your kitchen counter, it's about because everyone's journey is different. And yoga is we all we all always think that when you hear Yoga, you think the pose, and that's just one, one segment of yoga, yoga is your journey. It's your it's your journey of self discovery, right. And if you're trying to put yourself into a pose, that number one isn't yours physically, because your bones are different, you might have a physical challenge, or it's just not meant for your journey to figure out what is what, who you are, where you're going, what you need. On and on and on. So I learned, I learned differently. And that was just what a door opener whatever window Wide World opening. It was. Because when I was teaching, and even though I had met in the class, there was something about the women and what I could see. And I feel it's, it's a gift to be able to be intuitive, and to look at what was happening to something was happening between them in certain poses that they might have been in at the time. So with certain poses, if they were struggling, the question to ask is, Is it physical pain? Because we absolutely want to go there first, how can we make it more comfortable physically for you? Or are you fighting something? Are you fighting the pose? Then? Do we want to leave you where you are? Do we want to add a block? Do we want to change something up? What do you need? It's not where I think you should be. Tell me what is going on. And let's see. And that just began to grow. Yeah, and it was so beautiful to watch. Sometimes they would be in a particular pose, in the class itself could be in the next one or two poses. But they were just there, and they needed to be there. And that's okay. Because quite often when we're off our mat, we're not where we really want to be. And we have to know how to navigate that Evan, you know, ebb and flow through the changes in our life. So that was what really opened the door when I realized that more was going on, I thought. And as I began to really learn and Google Pay attention, what's going on in the world, I realized that it really was blossoming into a coaching practice as well. I decided to take those certifications. Right, and it just grew, and I absolutely feel it chose me. It's a calling. And when I really knew that it was is when what the universe said, Okay? You're doing really well at this and you really like it. So now I'm going to knock you on your arse, more than once, more than twice. And if you get through it, kudos, you know, good for you, then you can continue. And having twins is a beautiful thing. But they both leave at the same time I've ever thought there's that instant gone, empty nest. And you have to ask yourself always as well, in that half what we do ask ourselves, who am I now there? Who's going to be watching now? Who's protecting them now? Who am I if I'm not being they're being physically being their mother? And that was a bit interesting. That was hard. That was hard? Well, I

Jamie Stephens: 9:40

think as a mom, I mean, our tendency is to just like, go all in. Yeah. Whether it's for our children, our spouse are everybody but ourselves is usually how we're trained. And then I think as you get older and maybe have a couple of crises under your belt, you got to start just see like, Oh, I'm gonna have to take care of me now. Or like, this is not gonna work. I never thought about like, everything happening all at the same time. You don't have any other children in the house, right? It's it was just them and then once they were

Kathleen McDermott: 10:15

older and and then on top of that it was we we had the boys later in life I was we actually went to fertility treatments because I had had trouble getting pregnant. So it was a bit older when I had the boys. And the reason come to find out why wasn't getting pregnant pregnant is I ended up going into early perimenopause like my mother did. And so then you have raging hormones on top of everything else. And then ultimately, my worst and biggest trauma was going through a divorce, which now I know is the best thing for me, for us. But the time I didn't know. So with all of that, I had to decide if it was working for my clients. Practice what I was preaching. Yeah. So whether that was the I think it was the ultimate combination of giving me permission to continue and to do this work.

Jamie Stephens: 11:05

Obviously, that's not what are. Our goals are, you know, it's like, it's not like you go into marriage wanting to you know, have that outcome. But the way that you can show up for the people that you're serving with that empathy, and with that experience yourself knowing that you know, what you need, at the time, whether it be physical, or whether it be emotional, like that changes every single day, and being able to have that empathy and to have that kind of insight and intuition with people deepened by your own struggles that you have. I mean, I can imagine that there's a silver lining in there for her for beneficials.

Kathleen McDermott: 11:43

There is and it's even though i i can say, okay, yes, I've been there. And we can have 235 10 women in the room, we've all gone through a divorce, but every single one of us would have gone to it differently in their own way and felt it in their own way. And then needs to be honored. And I don't want to come to someone and say, Oh, here's these five, six steps do these and you're, you know, you're all good to go. Because we are all different, just as if you look at a skeleton of multiple skeletons, and you look at all their hip bones, you know, they're all going to be a little bit different in yoga poses, because their bones are just different. Well, same with our journey, we are all different. We are all experiencing the life in our own way. And a lot of times sadly, we're experiencing life through the lie to the foods that were that was a subconscious flower, universal mistake, Freudian, Freudian slip vessel, but living the lies that we've been told, and led to believe of how we should live our life and how we should be. And that really gets me on my soapbox.

Jamie Stephens: 12:47

Yeah, the shoulds. I mean, that's like, I've really become aware of that over probably just the last year, year and a half of all of the shoulds. And the, I need to do this, I should be doing this. So and then it's like, really just stopping to check yourself and be like, really? Is that what I want to do? Is that what is going to move the needle forward? Or is that just something that I'm expected to do? Because I'm done with those, you know, that I'm done with, like, all of that junk? And I think until you kind of start to pay very close attention to that, like your words and how like your thoughts that are showing up? Just will continue to rob you of what you want out of life? Because you're doing what everybody else says you should do. You know, and I get that.

Kathleen McDermott: 13:41

My question is, whose life are you living? Are you living? Your mother's your father's your your friends in school, your your church, your society? I call them generational and societal curses. Yeah, they're just passed on the day, the day that say that, Oh, you should wear white after Labor Day. Watch me. For that they are the curses. It's that perception of perfection, which is a whole other conversation.

Jamie Stephens: 14:11

Yeah, like,

Kathleen McDermott: 14:12

battles. Yeah, we take these layers on and we just cover to our, from the time we are born, it starts. And all these layers just begin to cover up who we really are. And it can be very difficult to do what you're exactly you're saying is you're taking a look at it now. And you're saying way I'm done with that. It's very hard to do that. If you come to that process, and once you start it. Wow. Then once you have that realization that hey, these aren't my thoughts. These aren't and then the work really begins.

Jamie Stephens: 14:45

Confirmed. Because yeah, all of that just starts to unravel. Do you think that your yoga journey when you started well, let me back up for a second. When you started your yoga journey wasn't or as like, exercise practice, like a wellness practice? Or did you understand like the emotional benefits at the time, like when you first started,

Kathleen McDermott: 15:12

I have to be perfectly honest, the boys were three, when I went to my first yoga class, and they are now 28. To two, remember what I was thinking and feeling at that particular time as to why when in I would probably say, knowing myself as I do, it was a multitude of reasons. The ultimate goal, I don't know if I had one. Gotcha. I just know that it, it began to be a, I've been a bit of a man, I'm a Leo, I'm half Italian. I'm a strong personality, I'm an AI. And I've been that way since I was little. And I can remember fighting, and not understanding what I was fighting or why I was fighting, but knowing that things weren't right for me. And my poor dad, I think I put out a social media post today who thought me and my mom and just my poor dad, He'll vouch for the fact of what a fighter in just trying to build a rebel just wanting to be against things that were I don't like the status quo, stop telling me what to do. That's the bottom line. Right. But I think the yoga practice helped take that on a different path, maybe a more gentler path. But it took a lot of time. And even though it was already helping me so the years and I began teaching, and when was and I was helping, holding space, I like to call it holding space for for women to find their way. It's it's hard to put it into words. But if you're in, alright, look at it this way. If you're in line somewhere, and you're stressed, you're waiting, and you've got to get home, you got to get this not to do that, to me is life off the map. And what is happening there, you take on the map. And once you're on your mat, it almost gives you an okay to just breathe. Yeah. And is a type A personality who walks onto their mat that is hard for them to do. So with my getting a feel, and seeing people that were next to me when I was just another student in classes they were and I'm still another student in class, because we always are watching them watching myself feeling the whole process, the teachers, the instructors, it all just helped me grow. I didn't understand it. And really the depths of it at the time. And that's the honest truth. I really didn't. But I do now.

Jamie Stephens: 17:33

I don't remember if I was telling you or not. But I actually started my yoga journey on the Wii Fit, like the little Nintendo. Tell me Yes, yes, you did. But it was like, You're right. It was that one time like, as a mom to where you were just stopping long enough to where it's like, okay, I'm claiming this time as my own. And it's like, it helped me with the poses, and my balance and all of that. And then, you know, it just continued to grow through there. But I didn't realize that at the time, the emotional benefits from just slowing down and pausing and being in those poses and holding those poses. And, you know, it's just all the junk that comes up. And I mean, you were you're just kind of like, not expecting it from like a quote unquote, exercise. You know, yeah. I was just curious about how that started. If if everybody goes into it just for the wellness part, and then they stumble upon, like the mental health benefits of it, or if some people actually go into it, you know, knowing the full benefits of it.

Kathleen McDermott: 18:37

And it's a very good question. Even the men in my class, although I would have to say most of them came in initially for the health benefit, physical benefit. They were very open and sharing that it was it ended up being more than that. It was definitely more than that. When you're in a class, and you're watching others put themselves in poses, and let's face it, when you hear Yoga, you automatically or you see pictures of yoga poses, you see those, and I'm using finger quotes, close and perfect poses. They're perfect for the individual that is following their path in them. But they're not necessarily mine and unnecessarily yours. And if you are in a pose, it's hurting you that you're that you're not comfortable and physically, it's not going to help you emotionally spiritually, mentally, it's not going to help you at all or physically. Right. And that hurts the whole entire journey. And I think that is why a lot of people walk out and don't come back. And I've had many people tell me that oh, yeah, I tried it. I just can't do that. Or you know, I look at all those people in there and I can't put myself into those pretzel poses while you should never have to write and when someone in please teachers mean well, they mean well in assisting has been an old process of teaching and it really needs to go by the wayside. because it is forcing someone to be where you as a teacher think they should be, right. And that's why when I'm also working with women, I am so not telling you how to, I am to help you find your how to. And tree pose is a perfect example. We think of that as a perfect pose. That stillness, that rigid, hold, stiff breathe, don't breathe, where you're supposed to breathe, but it's just that makes the whole body tense. But if you're balancing your we talked about ebb and flow before you started recording, if your bottom of your body, all four sides of your legs are strong, and you have that, that safety, knowing that you're grounded, and you're safe, your upper body can be so relaxed, and instead of being in that stillness, we asked, we talked ebb and flow, let your body move with it. If they're like, like the way the wind blows through the trees, let your body swear with it, don't keep trying to fight it and bring it back. Because if you want to do that, where I talk about control issues, not that you and I have any of those. But it's a perfect way to and that's how I use the poses to relate to life and what you're going through and where you want to be. Right. And that ebb and flow that you practice, in tree pose, or any type of I don't care if it's a hedge in the front yard, if it's a mighty oak, it's yours. How does that relate to off the mat, and then you can take that feeling and those sensations and apply it to where you might be fighting and wanting to control out here, like the in Downward Facing Dog, if you're fighting, that's a very, very strength building post physically. But it's also a very inner strength pose. So if you're fighting it, what are you finding out here, the restorative poses, I don't feel you can do the journey without having you can't reduce stress unless you have some stress techniques, but you need to find out what stress techniques work for you. But if you're learning to calm your nervous system, find some quiet and stillness, come back to yourself, then you can find the clarity to learn and discover what path you want to take for your things. Now, for me, I love to ride my bike, I like to walk that might not be yours. So what is yours. So it's really about coming back to yourself in that stillness of the restorative, that ebb and flow of in grounding and strength and grace within your body. So that you can use that to create a new legacy. Because we've spent enough time being and doing how others think we should have enough of that. And we don't want to pass that on to our children, as it was passed on to us.

Jamie Stephens: 22:49

I really like how you just wrapped all that up with like, the way that you can relate yoga to your life and kind of what's going on I I'll admit, like I've never kind of experienced that. So that I mean, not experienced it. But I've never kind of put all that together. I like the way that I can translate the things that I know into that same kind of process outside. So thank you for that.

Kathleen McDermott: 23:13

You're welcome. And you can take that awareness and it doesn't have to necessarily be a yoga pose. But what would you compare it to that fits your life?

Jamie Stephens: 23:21

Yeah, well, I do love yoga. I so I can relate to all of those. But yeah. So let's talk about legacy because I know that is something that you are very big on. Was it your divorce that really kind of got you thinking about that? Or was it happening before then?

Kathleen McDermott: 23:39

Now, it was definitely from the divorce because I will say the the hardest thing if I had to pick one thing that was the hardest for me to admit to myself was what was my role in the divorce every time

Jamie Stephens: 23:57

every time that one

Kathleen McDermott: 24:02

took a while. Yeah, yeah, no, it's that Leah will tell you her love them both. But that was the biggest thing and I used to legacy in my history was always what are you leaving your kids? Now you leave in the house, you leave in the investments you leave in this the rings that whatever you're leaving is leaving tangible, right? That was in my mind legacy. But as I realized, and admitted what I was bringing, which was all my stuff, you know that saying when you marry you not only marry your spouse, but you marry their family? Oh, well, it goes way beyond that.

Jamie Stephens: 24:44

And all their generational trauma and

Kathleen McDermott: 24:48

yes, yes. So when you have a couple that brings all their stuff to a marriage. And if you don't realize you have that stuff, and how to navigate it, man It doesn't always work. So in admitting my own role, and the trauma that I was going through, and I had to reach that dark point, so that I could really choose wisely and determine what was most important to me. And that was Connor and Cameron. Absolutely. And as I began to do the work, which is not easy, I'll never say it's easy, but it's worth it. I began to find who I really was, stripped the layers of crap I had been carrying, and began to really explore my life and how I wanted to be. And I tell you, I love it. This is the first of all I've ever lived my life on my own, without someone telling me anything. And I love it. I really do love it. But in the process, my boys watched me at my worst. They watched me and my darkness. But they have watched me come back. Yeah, they have watched me grow. And we have open conversations about what I see that we have passed to them. And I'm very emphatic to say, Hey, you, you are not expected to carry mine or your father's traumas. Those are ours, they are not yours, this stops. And we have these conversations about what their thoughts are about things and how their perceptions are. And they're, they're really good about understanding what I'm saying and that they don't need to carry this stuff. Yeah. Now, and now that I have a grandson, it's even become more of just a mission that I'm on to be the best person that I can be. And I'm not saying I will not use the word perfect. You know, my morning coffee, if it takes great, that's perfect for me. But there is, excuse me, in my mind, perfect as a as an individual perception. And I will never be done doing the work. But I want to be as best do the work to the best of my ability. Because they're watching. Yeah. And when I began to heal myself, I began to give them the space to heal. And they can continue to heal. And they don't need to pass it on to their children. Yeah. That is the legacy. And I called them up one day and I said, Okay, remember all the stuff I told you I was leaving to Yeah, well, we're gonna talk about legacy, because that's not what it's all about. And they've been very supportive. And the day that the two of them both on the same day, it was Connors wedding day, when they both told me how proud they were of me.

Jamie Stephens: 27:33

Did your little mama heart just melt? Oh,

Kathleen McDermott: 27:36

let me tell you I'm this is the first time I've been able to say that without crying. But it's it makes it all worse, because I don't want them to have the pain. Yeah, I don't want my grandkids to have the pain. Yeah. Life is tough enough as it is.

Jamie Stephens: 27:54

Yeah. And you know, I mean, it's not that pain is unavoidable in life. We all know that. It's so

Kathleen McDermott: 28:01

narrow, but they don't want them to have more. Right?

Jamie Stephens: 28:03

Exactly. You know, something you said, I'm curious, because you were saying you were talking to them about their perceptions, on different things and kind of things as they grew up. And as you're doing them now. So like, my sister, for example, is five years older than me. And sometimes, we'll be talking about the same story. And it'll seem like we are talking about two totally different events. Because, you know, she being five years old, or me being five years younger. I mean, it's just like, the gap and perception of what's going on. And kind of the over arching theme of what's happening. You know, she had a lot more understanding about events growing up than I did. Whenever I'm thinking about some of the examples. Did you find that your boys since they are the same age, like had the same perception on things? Or were there instances where even as you guys were talking all together, that they had a different perspective, even from each other?

Kathleen McDermott: 29:05

was funny because some people say they're twin. And so are they, first of all, they're not identical. They're fraternal. And I think even if they were identical, they're still their own individual soul, their own individual person in many times a very good question. And many times they do have very similar perceptions. But for the most part, they are who they are. I can't speak for identicals. But each individual human is experienced life in their own way. So even though they are twins, they're still experiencing their own relationship with Dave and I that with each other, with separate friends and individuals, you know, friends, so they're experiencing life differently, even though they're of the same family. So I don't think it's strange to have different perceptions of the same thing. Yeah. Because you're processing life as it's happening to you. And each one of them they're each one of their emotions. twins are different in how they handle their emotions and express their emotions is different. And I think it's kind of fun to see your, your sister must have some great conversations. Yeah, I think

Jamie Stephens: 30:10

it's really interesting just because I'll be like, Oh, well, whenever this when this happened, and she's like, oh, yeah, well, this happened in mom's life. And this had just happened. I'm like, Why? Because it adds just like this whole other understanding of like, you know, me being eight years old, didn't understand, but her being 13, she had, you know, different level of understanding. So I was just curious in that conversation, like, if it was more, if that's just an age thing, or just, if it was closer to having a similar perception, if they were closer in age, you know, but you're right. I mean, everybody's the way they process the way they experiences. You know, I used to think that I had an effect, like on nature versus nurture, you know, where it's like, oh, my kids will do you know, this is before you had kids. It's my kids will do XYZ, and it's like, oh, yeah, no, they're individuals. They'll do what they want.

Kathleen McDermott: 31:06

Oh, yes, yes, you can

Jamie Stephens: 31:08

have a little bit of influence, but it's, it's all them.

Kathleen McDermott: 31:12

And it's so fun to watch them grow. It is so much fun. It is some stages in funner than others. And I used to hate it when people say the terrible twos because to me, there is no such thing. They're just trying to find their

Jamie Stephens: 31:23

way. Yeah. My eldest daughter is about to turn two next month. And it is just it's like a grandbabies are just like a whole other world. I mean,

Kathleen McDermott: 31:35

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. And I was just well, you know, I was, you know, I was just there. And he is going to be eight months old this month. So he was seven months old. And he's learned how to hug already. Oh, and he just and I thought, Oh, my God, I can't leave. How do you leave. And he's just so in the dark, horrible want, you know, the eggs, and he thinks he's talking. And it's just so Gosh, darn precious. And I still find it to be absolutely amazing, bizarre, that one of my babies and Connor was my, he was the tiniest one and hit a little trouble when he was born. And of course, I'll never hear the end of that it was my fault. I didn't react well to medicine. So the Pitocin made me a little sick, and it was hurting him. But anyways, long story short, to see my baby have a baby now just blows doesn't blow your mind. I mean, it just blows my mind.

Jamie Stephens: 32:25

Well, yes. And I mean, this is it's my stepdaughter. But you know, I mean, it's so I, I was still her mom whenever she was a baby. So I didn't get but still it's like, Oh, my goodness. I mean, we've my husband, I've been married for 13 years. And so it's, it's still crazy, you know, because she was I think she had just turned 12 or 13 Whenever we got together. So yeah, to see her with a baby. And she's such a good mom. So it's just so fun to watch and just see your kids grow and all the things, but it does, it makes things like the conversations about just to bring this full circle, you know, the conversations about legacy and the conversations about what we're passing on to our children and grandchildren. And that all of our crap, you know, like, yeah, yeah, dealing with it, and resolving it so that you're not passing it on? What are the some of the tools that you like to use to really kind of process through some of that really old?

Kathleen McDermott: 33:24

trauma? First of all, I always like to say that I'm not a therapist. So it was hard to put that out there. Because there is that area that needs to be, you know, professional. But as far as processing, I always like to begin with stress, physical relief, which is the restorative, just introduce some easy and somebody will go well, guy, I'm really trying to put anything out of my day. Well, we have a little, little, little ways around that. But just to begin that process of finding that quiet and stillness, because if we're going into the process of doing the work with all the noise and not knowing how to block some of that noise, sometimes it can make it a little bit tougher. So the restorative yoga itself is always par. And that's everything I do is via zoom, and less, it's not your local to me, but it's via zoom. So I always go over at home props and things like that that can be used. So the restorative is very important in doing what I call the deep dig, and looking at it not harshly not with anger, not with blame, but looking at the thoughts that we have and where did they come from? Where are we honest, taken an honest look at where they come from? And I remember certain things I felt that well, that was by the way, my dad thought but you know, that's not the way that I think. And that's okay. So we do we do that and we look at things as to whether how deep they are. And we need to separate what's the deep stuff from history, and what's just surface stuff, like day to day stuff, and then is some of that deep stuff the cause of that. But there is a difference between stuff that's just in our day. Lee, you're not getting the kids packed lunches and off and stuff like that. So we look at that, and we do an honest to God, deep dig as to what is not working for you? And why where did it come from? Where did it start? How who, and that opens the door to forgiveness. Because you have an understanding that it's no one's fault. Because it's just been the process of generations and societies to how we think things should be. So it's not about blame, and being angry, but it's about forgiveness of everyone, historically, generations back, and also of yourself, because you didn't know. Yeah. Once we know that's a whole different ballgame.

Jamie Stephens: 35:41

So what if somebody has a lot of resistance to understanding or tapping into where that stuff came from? I don't want to venture into the therapist room to where we're talking about that kind of trauma, but like, just kind of understanding? I mean, I don't know, I feel like sometimes I'll try to think of where did that come from, like some thoughts that I just am observing, and like, I can't seem to pinpoint it back or there seems to be resistance around going back to the thought or where it came from? Do you have people that experience that? Or how do you help them through that.

Kathleen McDermott: 36:17

And I would say one of the areas that big areas that it comes from is, is little girl talk. So it's about having a conversation with that little girl. For some reason. Even though we had a lot of good happen in our lives, as little girls with the yucky stuff seems to stay more to the forefront. Yeah, so there is the talk with that little girl. And it's funny, because in my work as talking to my little girl, and letting her know, she's safe. And I and my relationship with my mom, my mom lives with mom or caregiver. And we just have a wonderful time together most of the time. But then I have to remember that sometimes I'm dealing with her little girl trauma. So it's about understanding that and we actually have conversations with that little girl, I don't you do, I have my own, you have your own. But it's really about going back and looking at that and letting know that you're past stuff that you're safe now. And I look at myself as as more but three, the little girl, the woman who was married and who I am now. They're all still a part of me. So we look at that. And if you're resisting it, I can only do so much I can I can comfort and support and make you feel as I hope create a space that you feel safe in to really take a look at things. But if it's to the point where it's that you need professional therapy, that's one thing, if you're just fighting it, and you're just not ready, that's another thing. And I respect that you've got you have to be ready. Yeah, you have to have had enough and you're ready. But I do have a lot of patients in that area. Because it's your path. It's your journey. And I will not cuddle. But I will certainly support. So we're going to some of that is going to be coming into the poses. And here might be an example of maybe that ebb and flow with a tree pose to get a feel for your own body and recognize your strength and your grace, that you're stronger than anything. Look where you are today. You've gone through it all you already know, you know, you're already strong. Recognize that. And ultimately, what we'll do is peel away the things that you've you realize, okay, I'm just that I'm ready to let it go. It's not serving me and that way. It can also be difficult because things stay with us physically. They're, they're part of us physically. So our triggers happen, just like that. Our triggers can be quick. But you can get to the point where you say, Oh, this happened a couple times recently. And I say, okay, apparently I still have a little bit of work to do when that area. So it becomes easier. Yeah. You're not so hard on yourself. And then within that process, we're finding the tools, the things that comfort you that serve you and I'll give you an example with meditation. When I say the word meditation, you're automatically going to picture that pose. That cross legged sitting down yoga, mudra Hant, mudra pose. Well, many people are gonna say I can't meditate, can't get into that pose. Can't get my mind shut off. No, it's not about making your mind blank. If you could recognize those thoughts, you can see those thoughts come in, and you can breathe and you can watch them, watch them flow out. You can do that walking, you can do that sitting in your favorite chair. You can do that. doing laps in your pool. It has to be something that serves you that you're coming to your breath, you're coming back to yourself. And as you're practicing how to determine these things that are right for you. That helps you say okay, what's next? What's what else is right for me? And with each step that you take the response it's the people say, Oh, confidence comes first now Courage comes first. Competence does not come first. Yeah, Courage comes first. Yeah, action, and then the confidence so that each time you do something, then the response is what's next? What's next? Yeah. And that's all part of the process. And it's a little, it's going to be a little bit different, obviously, because every single person is different. But it's going to be the tools of doing that dig, doing the restorative yoga, and then helping you find, whereas where else can you find that stillness and quiet in your life, so that you can come back to you when you need to, and stay grounded more than not. And then begin to see where you may already be passing it on, if you do have children. Or maybe you just want to change something else in the world. And you want to share differently and with someone else, or others, or however,

Jamie Stephens: 40:55

you know, one of the things I've heard you say a couple of times. And it's seems like a theme is the way you're talking about. Everyone is individual, everyone has their own body, everyone has their own perception, everyone has their own mind, everyone has their own journey. And I mean, all of those are true. I just feel like, I know, some of the times whenever we teach things, or you know what, in this line of work, like you're drawn to the things that the lessons you need to learn and the things that you've had to repeat. So is that something that you struggled with, like maybe as part of your marriage or, or like feeling like, like you were in a role that maybe wasn't for you, or like in that cookie cutter type? Feel? I mean, like, does that feel like a box that you were in for a while. And that's why it's so important now to make sure that everything is so adaptive to each individual, like with what you're doing.

Kathleen McDermott: 42:02

I've always and I can remember back even as a little girl, fighting the status quo, not understanding why but fighting the status quo. But I still fell into those because I was an only child. So my dad was very, let's just say over protective. So I still guess fell into that this is the way things are supposed to be you're supposed to you know, you get married, you're the wife, you're the mother, and you do these things, and you and I struggled to feel comfortable and making my own choices. And it was an ebb and flow of both of us. I'm never going to say it was an epic Diplo of both is to why the marriage did not work. So it sure you know, I want to make that very clear. Right. But yes, and not understanding. I had no idea what I was going to physically and had some of that physical that was actually hormonal. And I know I was really out of whack. Well, a lot more than just perimenopause. And you know, trying to get doctors to listen to you and all that. That's a whole other ballgame. Very difficult. But anyways, I had no idea what was going on inside me. And I knew I wanted to do I knew I needed something different. I knew I wanted something more something but I had no idea why. And it wasn't that I wanted out of my marriage. It wasn't that at all. I was just fighting something inside me. And how I felt in the world that this there was this picture, and I didn't want to fit into it that way. Yeah. Does that help answer it's very hard to put into the right words, because I don't want to go into depths of my marriage because I have a great respect. Yeah, I have a respect for for him and my sons.

Jamie Stephens: 43:40

Of course, and I didn't mean Oh, no, no, more of like, big theme. Like, this is something that I've had to deal with over and over of being put in this box that I don't necessarily want to be in

Kathleen McDermott: 43:53

society does. That's what society does. And if we don't know, as couples, and we don't have that conversation ahead of time is to help each other continue to grow. If we haven't dealt with our stuff, we can't help each other grow. We can't because we don't know how to grow ourselves. Yeah. And so it is a box and it's a generational box. It's a societal box, you know, and, and I'm really over it, I'm really I'm done. And I'm over it for other It breaks my heart when I see women, and I know some that are very close to me. And I'll ask the question, a couple of different questions. So depending on who it is, but one question is what are you running from what are you avoiding? Slow down? What are you avoiding? I don't know, well, when you got to figure it out, because ultimately, there's going to come a day when you're gonna regret and we don't want to have those regrets in what the number one regret and people's deathbeds is I did not live life on my terms. And you have my mom cut touched The most beautiful soul, but she is of that generation. And she was the way she her history is I do for everybody else. I'm not, I'm not worthy. I'm not. Yeah, that just sends me because you are no less than anyone else. There isn't a single person out there that is less than anyone else. And we women have these tales that we have in our mind these stories that we are less than we don't deserve. We have to serve, while we can serve, but we can serve ourselves too. And it is not selfish to live your life, through the dreams and joys and peace that you want and need and deserve. It isn't and you're not taking away from anyone else. You're not hurting your kids, you're not hurting your, your spouse or your partner, all the people close to you, you're actually helping them, let them see through you that it's possible, be the person to show them that it's possible to live your life your way. But you really you're teaching them to be free.

Jamie Stephens: 45:58

No, I get it. Whenever you start to do that work, and you start to take back that power and you start to take what? Let's just be frank, like what men just expect, you know, I mean, it's, oh, no, I can do that, too. The more that there's these women that are doing that, and claiming that and putting ourselves first. So that we can serve, you know, it's not like this act of selfishness. It's like, okay, I'm gonna put on my face mask, my oxygen mask, so that I can help those around me. And I think that somehow society has led us to believe that putting on our oxygen mask first as women is unacceptable. And so breaking well said, all of those norms. And like, that's hard shit like that. It's hard work. Yes. Especially if you're the first in a family or the first and like a friend circle, like all of those things. It's that's a lot of pressure and a lot of undoing. And yeah, I get fired up about that stuff, too. Because it's like, well, no, I'm done living that way. I'm done. Thinking that me putting myself first is selfish. Because if I'm putting you first or if you're putting you for, like, it's not selfish of me to put my needs above yours, like if everybody did that as a whole, and took care of themselves first. I mean, how much better would we be as a society?

Kathleen McDermott: 47:28

Right? Great question.

Jamie Stephens: 47:31

Right? I mean, it's like, solve yourself.

Kathleen McDermott: 47:33

And I'll say it, you you are not responsible for my successes, my failures, my health, my dreams. They're my responsibility. They're my responsibility. And I just want to be the example for my kids, for my grandkids for those around me to say that, yes, you can. You can, too. I did it. And if I did it, yes, you can do.

Jamie Stephens: 47:55

Exactly. There's a lot of power in that.

Kathleen McDermott: 47:58

And I love doing.

Jamie Stephens: 48:00

Yeah. Tell me about how you're helping women now and how people can work with you.

Kathleen McDermott: 48:08

I have my website, which is your legacy designer.com. And I do have a Calendly schedule on there. I have no problem with people reaching out to me directly. If it's just as easy to reach me and a DM on Facebook or Instagram. On Instagram, it's cat Mc d nine, nine. Just reach out, I'm very easy to talk to I hate to be pressured. So the last thing I do is pressure anybody else. Just want to have a conversation and see if this is the right time for you. If this is the right program for you, if we are the right fit. It's just a very easy conversation. And I love to work via zoom. I hear people say, Oh, I'm so sick. Well, I'm still I love zoom. It's made I love being able to reach out and be able to see face to face with people on this way. Across the world. Yeah, so it's a beautiful thing. I do have programs that are simply our nervous system wellness wellness plan that includes the stress reduction through restorative yoga. Sometimes folks aren't ready to make that journey yet. But they do want the stress reduction. So we do I do offer programs that are just strictly the restorative yoga. And I will offer a small if someone wants to work on to something small. With the restorative, we can do that because I find I can never just do yoga without doing a little bit of support. It's just this not me to do I just can't help myself. But then I offer programs based on a three or six month program. Gotcha. So but yeah, and I'm really right now doing one on ones but I'm really looking forward to getting back into doing groups. I stopped my group programs when I moved from upstate New York to South Carolina. So I'm looking to get the group started again, because that's it's fun to work together in a group. Yeah. And watch people feed off each other. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah,

Jamie Stephens: 49:59

that's exciting. But if you want

Kathleen McDermott: 50:01

to email me at your legacy@gmail.com, and my podcast is your life your way, and you can find that at your life your way podcast.com

Jamie Stephens: 50:11

And I will link all of that in the show notes in case anybody's driving, you don't have to pull over to write that stuff down. But thank you so much for your time. I've really enjoyed this conversation today.

Kathleen McDermott: 50:21

Me too. Thank you so much for having me. I'm very honored and pleased. Thank you so much.

Jamie Stephens: 50:27

Thanks so much to Kathleen for being on the show. It was such a great opportunity to reflect on my own legacy that I've been doing work on as well. If you want more of Kathleen, go check out her podcast your life your way where I was a guest on her show this past week as well. But some of the key takeaways from this episode are number one, embrace your multi passionate self. By trying lots of different things you discover a lot about yourself your likes and dislikes. From this exploration, you can start to hone in on the things that bring you happiness and fulfillment. Number two, practice what you preach. When you're coaching, teaching or advising clients often become a mirror for things that have challenged us in the past when things are feeling tough. Remember your own advice. Number three, ditch all the shoulds are you living for you? Or are you living based on the expectations of others and how they believe you should be every time you hear yourself saying the word should pause to examine where that's coming from. Number four, don't force it. As in yoga as in life. Forcing yourself into a pose or position that is painful, is not bringing anyone any value. It's not going to help you physically, mentally or spiritually move toward what feels good to you. Number five, consider your legacy. Break the Cycle of unwanted patterns being passed down as part of your legacy. It's hard work but without it the same shit gets passed on to your children and grandchildren. Number six, dig deep. unearth the things from your past that are causing you to behave in unwanted ways today. When you do this and start the curious inquiry you can begin to separate yourself from what are your reactions versus what you've inherited. And number seven, put your oxygen mask on first. It's not selfish to care for yourself before you care for others. Remember, you can show up more fully when your own needs are met. Okay, thank you friend for being here. That's it for this week. And that is actually my last interview of season one. And what an uplifting note to end on. I really enjoyed my conversation with Kathleen but be sure to tune in next week for the season one wrap up and to hear more about what's coming next. I am so thankful that you have been on this journey with me. Go check out the show notes for all of Kathleen's links and let her guide you in creating your own legacy. If you've enjoyed this episode or any of the episodes this season, please take a couple of minutes and help more women find this show by leaving a rating and review on Apple or Spotify. Until next week. Find me on Instagram at Jamie Renee